Back in the Saddle Again!

I've jumped back onto the weight loss bandwagon, yay!  I've been at it for a week so far and I'm doing great.  I've been planning on starting to eat healthier, hemming and hawing, and one of the things that pushed me into it was an invitation to do a Diet Bet through a parenting forum I've been on forever.  Diet Bet is pretty cool.. you get a group of people who all want to do something crazy, like lose 4% of their body weight in 4 weeks.  Then you set a fee to join (in my case, it's $15).  All that money goes into a pot that gets split by those who are successful at the end of the 4 weeks.  To discourage cheating when you weigh in, you have to take a full body picture of yourself on the scale, and then take a picture of the scale's readout, with your feet clearly visible, and an index card that has a special code word written on it.  Then the Diet Bet staff verify your weigh in.  It seems weird that the prospect of winning a little bit of money would be so motivating, but it is.  I'm sure it's also because these people know me and my success (or failure!) is there for everyone to see.

The other thing that pushed me into a desperate desire to do something about my weight was weighing myself and realizing that I'm at my highest weight ever.  I'm so disappointed in myself, and so sad.  Here I am, feeling pretty crappy about myself.

Ugh.  It's painful to post that picture.

I'm incorporating a lot of different techniques into this newest attempt at getting healthy.  One thing I'm relying on, that I find very helpful, is EFT or tapping.  It seems very new-agey and a little out there, but tons of therapists recommend it, and there is some reputable scientific evidence showing that it works.  I bought a book called EFT for Weight Loss: The Revolutionary Technique for Conquering Emotional Overeating, Cravings, Bingeing, Eating Disorders, and Self-Sabotage (Emotional Freedom Techniques) and I love it.  It has a lot of practical suggestions for how to use tapping on weight loss, and also lots of inspirational stories.

I've also tried going to Overeaters Anonymous but the first meeting I tried didn't really speak to me.  It may have had something to do with the fact that it was at 9am on Saturday.  Ugh!  But there are a few other meetings around at better times, I just have to find babysitting.. so I'm working on that.  But I have a few twelve-step workbooks that I'm using to work the program on my own at the very least, given that I'm pretty familiar with twelve-step programs.

I haven't chosen a diet plan to follow, but I am trying to cut out a lot of processed sugars and eat low carb.  I'm tracking my food and weight loss on My Fitness Pal.  I'm not sure that I like it as much as Spark People, but I want to give it a chance.  You can check out my profile if you like.

So, wish me luck!  I lost 5 pounds the first week, here's to 2 pounds down a week!

Semi-Dieting

I've done pretty well so far this week with eating healthfully.  All of my meals have been balanced and healthy.  During the day, I haven't snacked on anything other than fruit, hummus, and crackers.  The only problem is that with my throat being so sore, I have had some ice cream at night.  But even with that, my eating has been a lot better than my 'usual'.

I'm looking for new ideas for lunches, though.  Lunch is my hardest meal to plan and to stick to.  It's always rushed and I never want to spend a lot of time preparing my food.  This week I had Doug cook up some chicken for me and I topped salads with it, but I'm really not a salad girl.  I may have him grill some chicken this weekend and then roast some yellow squash, zucchini, and onions to eat next week.  But as delicious as that is, it'll get old after a week, too.  I did find two good recipes:  a buffalo chicken wrap and a southwestern cheese panini.  I'll probably need to do veggie prep all at once Sunday night, 'cause if I have to cut up veggies at noon time, I'll end up having something unhealthy instead.

Besides cutting out the ice cream, which will hopefully be as soon as my throat becomes tolerable, I also need to work on the exercise piece.  There's really no excuse for not taking some nice long walks around the block - unless miserable colds count (they do, right?).  It's cool out, the kids love riding their bikes and I have a stroller for the baby, so I just need to make it a part of our routine.  Doug and I would also like to do some strength training together in the evenings after the kids are in bed.  He had been swimming at night, but it's way too cold for that now.

Beck Diet Solution: Day Six

Today I talked with my diet coach.  Normally, I'd try to find someone other than my husband to be my coach, but I think this will be a good exercise for us.  We've had some marital issues and as we work to rebuild our intimacy, this will be another way to stay connected and interested in each other's lives.  We've planned to do a weekly check-in every Saturday, so I can hear what he's been working on, and he can hear what I've been working on.

I also think that having a 'live-in' diet coach will help me stay on track more with the actual diet part (which I'm excited to start in a week!) and he'll be able to help me prepare healthy foods that actually taste good.  I pretty much suck at cooking, so I can use all the help I can get. 

Today I ate breakfast and dinner mindfully at the table.

I read my Advantages List and I listened to my guided meditation.

I gave myself credit for all of the above!

Beck Diet Solution: Day Five

I really did not want to do the task for Day Five.  My task was to sit alone at my dining room table, with no distractions, and eat both breakfast and lunch this way.  I was supposed to take small bites and chew slowly, swallow each bite before putting more food on my fork, put down my utensils frequently, and take a sip of water every minute or two.

For one, it's almost impossible to eat a meal without distractions because I have four little kids running around.  Plus, that just sounds so boring, doesn't it?

Well, I did it anyway, and you know what I found?  It was really boring.  Like.. mind-numbingly boring.  But I noticed that I was full way sooner than I would have otherwise and ate less (while still a healthy amount).  And because I was bored and eager to leave the table, I didn't eat just to eat.

Dinner obviously had more distractions as I was actively talking with my family, rather than trying to ignore them, but once again, I made sure to really take my time, put my fork down after every other bite, and drink lots of water.

I still don't really want to have to eat this way, as it is pretty boring, but clearly it's a good way to prevent me from eating mindlessly.  So I'll keep it up!

I read my Advantages List twice today, and listened to my guided meditation.

I didn't eat everything sitting down, but I did eat each meal at the table.

I gave myself credit for all the good decisions I made.

Beck Diet Solution: Day Four

Day Four is about building your confidence by learning to give yourself credit every time you make a good choice.  Seems easy enough.

I tore out the 'Give Myself Credit' response card and put it on my computer monitor.  I'll read it the most this way, vs. carrying it around in my purse.

If I eat something I shouldn't, instead of beating myself up about it, I plan to say, "Oh well, that was a bad choice.  I'll get back on track right now and do better next time."

When I was at the store today, I congratulated myself for not buying an ice cream.  I gave myself credit for not eating as much at breakfast as I would have normally - stopping when I was full vs. eating the full serving.  I also congratulated myself for doing all of my steps on Day Four.

I'm not having any sabotaging thoughts about this day's work.

I read my Advantages List twice today.

While I planned to eat all of my meals at the table today, I actually didn't eat anything at the table.  I need to work harder on this tomorrow.

I listened to my guided meditation today.

Beck Diet Solution: Day Three

Day Three talks about how you must sit down, at a table, and avoid doing anything other than eating when you're supposed to be eating.  This is a very difficult thing for me to do.  I know a lot of women eat while standing up (while they're cooking, or rushing to get other things done), or eat food off their family's plates while they're cleaning up.. and that's not me.  When I eat something, I relax.  However.. I don't sit at the table, and it's only at dinnertime that I don't do something else at the same time.

For me, it's because mealtimes are a break.  I discovered long ago that my children eat better if I'm not sitting there nagging them.  So for breakfast and lunch, I'm usually around but not sitting with them while they eat.  At breakfast, I'm often doing things in the kitchen, but for lunch, I'll take my food and sit at my desk in my bedroom and check email while they watch a TV show while they eat (terrible habit to promote, I know).  Or I'll sit next to them but read a book.  And when I snack, I'm usually either watching TV or reading.  I figure - if I'm going to take a break to eat a snack, I'm going to include TV, reading, or the Internet to make it a really good break rather than just a chance to eat food.

So I know I'm going to have a difficult time with this.  It will not be easy to sit at my dining room table and only eat.  I know I'll feel deprived, and I won't want to bother with it, but I need to try to do it consistently, because what I've done in the past obviously doesn't work.

My sabotaging thoughts will probably be:

1.  "I could be doing X right now while I'm eating, it's a waste of time to 'only' eat."

2.  "This is so boring!  I don't have anything to do."

3.  "I deserve to be able to enjoy myself while I eat."

My responses should be:

1.  "I'm not 'only' eating - I'm focusing on how the food tastes, and I'm paying attention to how full I'm feeling.  I can watch TV later, but I can only do those things now, while I'm eating."

2.  "There's plenty to do - notice how each bite tastes, make sure I take my time chewing, and monitor my hunger/fullness."

3.  "Eating is not supposed to be soothing.  If I need to soothe myself somehow, I should focus on healthy coping behaviors, and not incorporate food into that.  Food is meant for nourishing my body, not my emotional state."

I read my Advantages List twice today, and I also listened to my guided meditation.  I commited to eating while sitting down every single time.

Beck Diet Solution: Day Two

Day Two involves committing to a diet plan.  Two, in fact.  The idea is that if your primary diet plan isn't working for you, having already selected a back-up plan prevents any time lost when switching to a new plan.  Seems like a smart and easy idea.

My primary diet plan will be the Spark People website.  It's free, easy, and I'm already familiar with it.  It's basically just calorie/nutrient tracking.  Because there's no real eating plan besides staying within calories, I don't plan on modifying it at all.

My back-up diet plan is Weight Watchers.  I'd rather not have to rely on WW, but I do know it works and I'm comfortable with it, so I think it's a good choice.  At this point, I don't plan on making any modifications to the WW plan.  However, I'm not sure if I'd switch to the old 123Success plan, or whatever new plan WW has.

I'm not experiencing any sabotaging thoughts about picking a reasonable, healthy, responsible diet plan.

I did read my Advantages list three times today.

I also listened to a guided meditation that I got from my therapist's office.

Beck Diet Solution: Day One

I feel like I'm being a bit redundant here, but once again, I'm going to start working on the Beck Diet Solution as a way to improve my chances at losing weight and keeping it off.  The book I'm using is this:  Beck Diet Solution, by Judith S. Beck.  I also have the Beck Diet Solution Workbook, which is useful and has some information and exercises that aren't in the regular book.

As I work through the plan, I'll post my responses to exercises and my journaling here.  So here goes:

Day One

Chapter Three:

Important points from the questionnaire:  My motivation to lose weight is low-to-moderate.  I'm anxious about this.  I have a lot of good reasons to lose weight, and I really want them.. but I feel like I don't really have the desire to make the changes I need to make.  Also - I'm an emotional eater (duh).  I often eat to comfort myself.  I have a lot of resentment about having to deny myself foods that I want.  I also have a very hard time tolerating hunger and cravings.

Chapter Four:  How to Motivate Myself  - or -  Reasons I Want to Lose Weight

• I'll look better and more attractive
• I'll have more confidence
• I'll be able to wear a smaller size.
• I'll fit into more fashionable clothing.
• I'll feel happier when I look in the mirror.
• I'll feel better in a bathing suit.
• I won't feel so self-conscious.
• I'll feel better physically.
• I'll have more stamina.
• I'll have more energy.
• I'll be able to keep up with my kids.
• I'll be less inhibited about my body.
• I'll enjoy physical intimacy more.
• I'll like myself better.
• I'll feel as if I've accomplished something important.
• I'll do more things in public, such as dancing or swimming.
• I'll be more comfortable eating in front of others.
• I'll feel in control.

Relevant Response Card from Chapter Four:

I don't want to feel deprived, BUT I can modify my plan in advance to include my favorite foods.  Besides, I'm either going to deprive myself of some foods, or deprive myself of being thinner.  Either way, I experience deprivation.

Completed Tasks for Day One:

Made several copies of my Advantages List.  One for my purse, one for the fridge, and one for the computer monitor.

Decided to read my Advantages List first thing in the morning, and right before going to bed.

Beck Diet Solution

I started a weight loss group at my therapist's office two weeks ago. The group uses the book, The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person by Judith Beck as its curriculum. The Beck Diet Solution uses CBT techniques to teach you how to stick to a diet. It's not a diet plan - there are no instructions on what to eat or how much. In fact, you're told to choose two diet plans.. one to start with, and then a backup in case your first choice isn't a good fit for you. The Beck Diet Solution involves a lot of writing things down, whether it's your reasons for wanting to lose weight, reminders to give yourself credit, or ways to answer sabotaging thoughts. The idea is that if you practice these thoughts, you give your 'resistance muscle' more strength and weaken your 'giving-in muscle."  Personally, I think it's working great. It amazed me how much it helps to actually write things down versus just telling myself things in my head.

So for my eating plan, I'm following a Paleo/Primal diet. I've modified it a bit, which is fine.. because even Mark Sisson, author of The Primal Blueprint: Reprogram your genes for effortless weight loss, vibrant health, and boundless energy (Primal Blueprint Series), says that you should aim to eat Primal 80% of the time. 

Wish me luck! I'll try to post here more often about my path to health and weight loss. We're finding some fantastic recipes, so I'll be sure to include those, too.

Why..

Why should I ever post about my success? Time after time, I have to follow a post of "Woohoo! I'm awesome" with "Okay, nevermind, I suck."

Totally blew it this past weekend, but that was sort of to be expected, I guess. But then today, I've had an indecent amount of sugar. Ugh. The book I'm reading, Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating, says that after a binge is when you need to be kindest to yourself, and I can buy that. I know why I'm eating, and I know it's not helping any.. but I'm not doing so great at stopping myself.

I mean, really.. between accepting my life, trying to heal and grow.. and eating a handful of cookies.. why should't I choose the cookies? ;)

I will go to the gym tonight, I will.

Success!

Last Monday (1/23) I weighed in at 265.6. This past Monday, I weighed in at 262.8. And this morning, I weighed myself, and the scale read a beautiful 261. I'm feeling pretty good about myself today!

I've been eating well for the most part, staying within my ranges for calories, fat, protein, etc. I did splurge on Saturday when my husband and I went out to dinner, but that's part of the plan - stay on track all week, and enjoy myself on Saturday. I've also been going to the gym as much as humanly possible.. last week, I overdid it and had to take a day or two off, but so far this week I've been Monday and Tuesday. Hopefully I'll make it every night this week.

And in other news, I was productive this weekend, craft-wise. I made these adorable onesies and listed them (and a bunch of others) in my Etsy Shop.

New Goals

I have two new goals to work on this year. I'm not calling them New Year's resolutions, because we all know those always fail.

My first, obviously, is to lose weight. This time it feels right. I can't really explain it, but I feel good about changing my eating habits and increasing the time I spend at the gym. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I do think this is *my* time. I'm tracking calories on Spark People, but not otherwise doing a specific diet. I picked up the book, Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating, by Geneen Roth. I've heard wonderful things about her. I'm not very far into the book, but it's great so far. I may request some of her other books from the library if I really like it.

I'm also going to the gym as often as I can. Unfortunately, I only have about an hour and a half window in the evenings (after my husband gets home from work and before the kids go to bed), but that should be plenty. It takes me about 45 minutes to do all the weight machines, and those I should only do every other day. The rest is slated for cardio. I also have high hopes to work out at home during the day, but we'll see.. I've never had much luck with that in the past (mainly due to the kids constantly interrupting me).

My goal is to lose 100 lbs in 51 weeks - in time for our next planned vacation to Disney World. I'm pretty excited about this. You may know that Disney World is actually completely friendly to overweight people, but I would love to be able to enjoy our vacation as a much thinner (and fitter) woman.

My other goal is to work on my marriage. We're on the brink of divorce. I've thought a lot about whether I want to write about this here, but I may as well. Without going into too many details, my husband revealed some major issues last summer, basically opening my eyes to the fact that he was not the person I thought he was, and that much of our marriage was also not as I'd thought. After five months of fitful progress and astounding setbacks, we've both recommitted to working on us. We're both working hard and putting our efforts into concrete actions. We've read a lot of books on this subject, some of which I may review here. Most recently, we both read Getting the Love you Want, by Harville Hendrix. It was recommended to us by my individual therapist. The plan is to resume marriage counseling soon and work through the exercises (there is an accompanying workbook, too) together, guided by someone experienced with the method.

Why Moms Need Gyms

This morning, I tried to do some floor exercises. I lied down and got to the eighth sit up before my 15 month old climbed onto my belly. First, he smooshed his face to mine and gave me several slobbery kisses. Then he spun around so his feet were kicking my face, then laughed hysterically at the way my belly moved up and down while I laughed. I managed to distract him with some toys and finished my sit ups. Then I figured I could do some leg lifts while I was lying on the floor. As soon as my leg started moving, he made a beeline for me. He grabbed onto my leg and did his best to keep it on the floor. I'm quite out of shape, so I really don't need any extra resistance, especially not the full weight of a 26 pound toddler.

We also had some trouble when I tried using the weights for upper body exercises. He either wanted to hold them, or kept getting nearly bonked by them, or just insisted on being held.

Well, I got the exercises done in the end, so that's what counts, right?

Walking 'Round and 'Round

My food choices haven't been stellar this week, but I've gotten out every day with the kids to walk around the block (.5 mile). We've also done a few park days, which usually involve lots of movement as I chase the kiddos around. Today, we all went to the beach and brought the dog. Pre-kids, we really focused on the dog - lots of obedience classes, including beginning agility, lots of outings to the beach, dog parks, wherever.. and so on. We really cut way back once we had kids, and I've been feeling bad about that. So today our Maddy got to run off-leash at the beach, she made plenty of new dog friends, and amazed us with her good manners and obedience. Plus, we all got a workout walking along the very LONG beach.

My goal for next week is to keep up the walks, and to start doing core strengthening on the exercise ball. My back and shoulders have been killing me lately (the baby is just SO heavy) and I really need to work on that.

Starting Fresh

Here goes dieting attempt One-Zillion-and-One. But the number of times I've tried before doesn't matter, because this time is it. I'm not worrying about the past or the future, I'm living in the present.

Today's weight: 281.5

This week's goal: No unhealthy snacks. I'm not going to be strict about what I eat for meals, since I eat relatively healthy meals already. I'm just going to cut out the ice cream, chocolate, etc. I'll start counting points once I have the sweets-elimination down.

I'll update this post with my food journal at the end of the day.

Food Journal:

2 cups milk, 1 packet Carnation Instant Breakfast
1 grilled tomato and cheese sandwich
Small handful of crackers w/ hummus
1 Mini Reese's PB cup (stolen from the kids, hah)
Steak tips
Mixed Veggies

Not too bad, right? Portions were normal-sized.. not huge, but not really diet, either.

Catching Up

Like I said in my last post, the end of summer is a very busy time for us. In addition to all the birthdays, my sister moved across the country, and now I'm in the throes of planning an insane Harry Potter party for Colwyn's 7th birthday. I'll be blogging about that separately at harrypotterparties.blogspot.com. The blog isn't up and running just yet, so give me a few days.

In the meantime, Niall had his 4 month checkup. He weighes 16 lbs and is 25.5 inches long. That's a little shorter than Lachlann was, but a pound heavier. He's definitely my chubbiest baby so far. He's still a very happy little guy, smiling and laughing, holding onto toys and putting them into his mouth.. he loves standing up on our laps, and this past weekend we got out the Jumperoo for him. He defintely likes jumping.

I took most of August off, diet wise, but now we're getting back on track. I read the book The Primal Blueprint: Reprogram your genes for effortless weight loss, vibrant health, and boundless energy, which was pretty interesting. I'm trying to follow a primal diet for the most part, but I struggle with breakfast.. I don't like eggs, and that cuts out a lot of options. I think in general a more apt name for what I'm aiming for is a low-GI diet. Look for some new recipes coming up!

Busy August

So sorry for the lack of posting. August is a very busy month for us, full of birthdays and party planning and baking and parks and everything else. Lachlann had a big birthday party with a Cars theme. I love going all out for the kids' birthday parties.. party planning is my thing, I guess. So I had all sorts of decorations to make, from Detour signs to Rte 66 signs to signs for all the party games we had. The party went over really well.. I'm still working on getting the pictures all together, but I'll post a link to the album when I'm ready. Lachlann's birthday present from us this year was a trip to Coco Keys waterpark. Doug took Colwyn and Lachlann, while I stayed at home with the littles. It was strange not getting to participate, but I couldn't see spending an extra $64 just so Fiona and I could go. The kids really enjoyed it, though.

I'm off to make baked oatmeal now. I've been off the dieting bandwagon for the last two weeks or so, and now it's time to get back on. I'm going through sugar withdrawal all over again.. ugh.

Lemon Quinoa with Asparagus and Feta

2 cups quinoa
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 shallot, minced
4 cups asparagus, trimmed and cut into 1-inch pieces
1 teaspoon chopped fresh thyme
8 ounces feta, crumbled
Juice of 1 lemon

Start quinoa cooking according to directions on package. Saute the shallot in a tablespoon of olive oil. When shallot is brown, add in asparagus and thyme. Cook asparagus until tender but still bright green, about 8-10 minutes. Halfway through cooking time, add about a tablespoon of water.

When the asparagus is done, remove the pan from heat and stir in cooked quinoa. Then add feta, lemon juice, and 1 tablespoon of olive oil.

This should make about 8 servings. Each serving is 6 points and has 11 grams of protein.

Day Two of Sugar Detox

Today's day two of going sugar-free. I've had some headaches in second half of the day, tons of cravings, and it almost feels like I'm mourning my Ben & Jerry's and peanut butter M&Ms. It's so, so hard.. and it feels like nobody around knows how difficult this is for me. Doug definitely doesn't, but he's still being very supportive. I know I'll feel great soon enough, and I'm crossing my fingers I can last that long. I haven't had any refined sugar. I have had a good deal of watermelon and a handful of Triscuits (with hummus). On a good note, I've discovered the joys of quinoa, which I think will be a new staple in our house, replacing couscous and rice in a lot of our meals.

I made baked oatmeal with apples and cinnamon, omitting the brown sugar.. and it's not so great. It's not bad, but I definitely have to force it down in the same way I had to force down stovetop oatmeal. That's not a new thing for me, so I can deal with it. I figure I'll alternate baked oatmeal and smoothies for breakfast.

Sugar Addiction

I've finally admitted to myself that I have a sugar addiction. I crave it all the time, regardless of my mood and/or the crappiness of my day. Even when I'm completely satiated, I want sweets.

Obviously, this has to stop. I've decided to cut out all refined sugar, eat only whole grains, and not a lot. I'm thinking brown rice 2-3 times a week, and maybe a whole wheat tortilla 2-3 times a week. I will still have my baked oatmeal in the mornings because maintaining my milk supply is paramount, but I'll omit the sugar from the recipe. I'm both dreading this and really excited about it.



For research, I check out some books from the library. The New Sugar Busters! Cut Sugar to Trim Fat, Sugar Busters! Quick & Easy Cookbook, and Potatoes Not Prozac: Solutions for Sugar Sensitivity. I also requested The Primal Blueprint, which I'm very excited about. I did some reading on the website that goes with this book, Mark's Daily Apple.

The only book I've started reading so far is Potatoes Not Prozac. I'm not depressed, just stressed, but I figure it can't hurt to read how to boost serotonin levels naturally, right? It's pretty interesting. I did skip the first few chapters, as I didn't think they were really relevant. But what I'm reading makes sense and I'm excited to implement some of her ideas into my life.

So I went to the store tonight and bought some new foods so I can have a no-sugar-added breakfast. I'm planning on a smoothie with Greek yogurt, frozen blueberries, and a tablespoon of coconut oil. Wish me luck.

If anyone has any tips on meals (specifically breakfast, or quick prep) that have no refined sugars and are low grain or grain free, let me know!